June 9, 2013 - Tears

June 9, 2013 - Day 64

Remember that feeling when you are discharged from the hospital with your first baby (those of you who are parents) and you look incredulously at the staff and think "you're really trusting me to take this tiny human home and not kill her?"?
Though you're scared and sometimes feel inadequate, there's a wealth of resources to help you through it. You can call the doctor at 3 in the morning (done that many times). You can call your mom, sister, best friend, aunt, neighbor, etc. about just about any baby question and they can help you. You can look on the Internet, read a book, watch a show. There are a million ways to find the answer to whatever problem you have with your baby.
When Dell determined that Bella was well enough to go home, we had mixed feelings. We were overjoyed that we would all be together sleeping under the same roof again but we were also scared to death that Bella would relapse again. We were sent home with the promise of outpatient rehab. And we've watched in horror as Bella has gotten weaker and weaker only to find out that we are enabling Bella by not pushing her hard enough. We didn't know we had to be parent, therapist, drill sergeant, coach, miracle-worker, masseuse, healer, and on and on. Even with all of that, she is not getting better. There are no books or resources that I have found to guide us through this. There are so many tears in our house - not just Bella's. This is so hard and I feel so lost about where to turn for help. Feel like I'm spinning in circles trying to trace down every lead and then...waiting...impatiently for each lead to respond. In the meantime, I feel like we are not doing enough for Bella and she is sinking further into despair and atrophy. Our hearts ache.